I have always had a hard time expressing what it is that I am feeling.
Growing up (as far back as I can remember) I would try expressing what is inside my heart and I would get frustrated because I couldn’t figure out how to say it. I was always described as the “calm and cute daughter” or “the good and well behaved one.”
When you get those labels growing up its kinda hard to get passed those labels. My older sibling and i were always opposites in everything we did except for two things music and our love for our mother. Now we really are opposites my older sibling is now my older brother when i had grown up with an older sister. I will discuss more about that in a later blog ( that is a sneak peek lets see if there are anymore.)
I would have panic attacks from when I was a little girl so it was obivious that i had them growing up because i have always been a painfully socially shy little child. I used to hide behind my parents or inannimate objects when i would have to talk to people. It hasn’t gotten much better in the last 20 years but I started putting on a mask in the last four.
I would try talking to people and i would lose my voice in the middle of a sentence until my parents or my friends would step up and save my voice telling them what I meant or was trying to say.. I had always known I was a kitty because the cats that my father had made me more comfortable than any one else around me during that time. My dad used to describe me as “his kitten in human skin.”
I never really understood that i was very introverted but i just was more comfortable curling up with a good book in front of a window with the light shinning in on my book rather than have light from light bulbs. But even being a kitten I would lose my voice when i would get frustrated and I couldn’t tell all that was going on in my mind. I didn’t understand why people that had known me for years could hear me talk in a broken and twisted sentence that sounded right in my head but came out messed up when no one else could understand me.
I have told my counselor about all of my pet play, bdsm, and the beginnings of my little play. She has been there for me when I was getting nearly drunk every night even when I was in school and not caring about my grades to when I was getting High B’s on my college test scores because I felt comfortable wearing my gear around the school. She was there for me when I found out an ex fiance I had been with before my ex husband had come back to town and wanted to try seeing if there could be anything still between us.
I wasn’t the most comfortable around him but I wanted to see if there was anything. He had pushed me to be his girlfriend again and I was just extremely confused so I said yes but when I asked if we could take a break and slow down because I hadn’t seen him in about 4 to 5 years. He had such a bad mental break down that the next day when I called him because he was supposed to come see me he was coughing up blood. It scared me and I said i would be his girl friend again but I felt sick to my stomach and I decided that day I wouldn’t bring him around my son at all. He kept trying to force me to let him come to my house and see my family. My mother detests him and my dad just wanted me happy.
He had also told me that he was having to move away by the end of the month so I was extremely relieved thinking that we could have a fling and it would be over. The next few weeks were a test of him trying to force me to be more with him than with my master. He would guilt me into getting off the phone just to talk to him. If I was busy doing something he would have me stop what I was doing whether it was at my school or while I was trying to do job searching.
I couldn’t tell him what I was feeling because I was scared that he was going to have a mental break down (which he did the night Ieft him) if I tried taking my life back. I never really felt like I was a girlfriend I was a rebound of his exfiance that he was trying to prove that he could have if he wanted to. He would blame me and punish me for things that she did or would constantly compare me to how I was 5 years ago when I was on the medication that made me lose myself. I was doing the BDSM thing even back then and he was my master.
Him and the master before him would give the worst physical punishment of all the others that I was with. I should have listened to those that cared about me with both of them when they would tell me to escape. My father would see the mental abuse but I always covered up the phsyical abuse that had happened. My father found out later about it and I see him heart sick about it every time it gets brought up. I love my father and he is the greatest father that I could have asked for.
He has done everything he can to make me into the strong mother that I am. Before my ex came back into my life I was already in a whirlwind. My grandfather had died a few months before that and my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers. My daddy and his brother were having to take over the family fianances and trying to make everything stable for the rest of us. Between the time that my granddad had died and the time of his burial I had started trying little play. I had gained some confidence with it because I was more wiling to talk to people and not just run away from them because i felt like I couldn’t do it.
The guy that I thought i could trust with this side of me was only wanting the perks of being a “daddy” dom. (During this whole year I have remained celibate) I found out that he was trying to date someone without even talking to me about it and wanted to try seeing how it would be iwht both of us to see if it could work out with her before trying to talk to me. I had put up with his controlling nature for two months and actually it was the same week as my grandfathers funeral. (Ya that was exciting..)
He made me feel lke I had to do what he would tell me to do and would try telling me that I didn’t have to liisten to my master. I am happier without him in my life. The “daddy” dom that I have now is actually a friend that I have known for abut 5 years. He ws my guide and a father figure back at job corp so it was kinda easy for him to become the “daddy” dom for me. He is one of my closest friends and i can talk to him whenever. April was a really hard month because all of the drama that was going on with my family but also with my ex coming around.
My “daddy” asked me what i was going to do for my birthday since i was the first one i would be a single mom for. I told him that i was going to be going out with friends and then study the rest of the weekend because i had finals the next week. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I froze. I hadn’t recieved gifts from anyone outside of my family for my birthday since i was 18. He had been helping me become more of a little during this time. I felt so excited I asked for a teddy bear to snuggle with.
I showed him links of small ones but he picked out “The biggest one I could find under $100” The bear is almost as tall as me and i sleep with it every night amoung other stuffed animals that I have. He had been working on helping me gain my voice so that i could tell him what i was feeling but i was scared. He asked me if there were any collars i liked and i showed him. He bought them for me on the condition that I dont feel guilt for the gifts and try to pay him back.
It took me a long time to accept those terms but i did eventually. Since my birthday he has bought me six display collars and 2 day collars that i can wear and no one is the wiser. (Finally to the subject of the blog) Being a little for me is a way that i can give a voice to my emotions. Its about knowing no matter how much i mess up he isn’t going to leave. Its about comfort and knowing that i can be silly and goofy where no one is going to tell me, “GROW UP!” Or “Act your age your a mom” I don’t think the same as everyone else.
My wires were crossed wrong and it makes it difficult at times to describe what it is that i am trying to say. Its the same with why I didn’t understand what Love was for the longest time. I have always known love between parents and children, I have always understood the love between friends but for a couple I dont understand that. I am starting to thanks to my master and to my “daddy” When I have an anxiety attack I always feel like im smaller than I should be and it makes me sad and scared if I don’t have anyone around that is trying to help me.
I have natural medical supplements that help me with my anxiety attacks but I still will start touching a necklace or a bracelet and i close my eyes so that i can hear the voice of the one that I want to be with but they can’t be around me. I have a way to be able to be around others and wear some cutsey necklaces or accessories that I have always been jealous of girls that could wear them. As a child I was never allowed to wear the cutsey stuff because my body matured faster than was expected.
My grandmother stopped making jumpers for me because I thought I needed to be more of a guy so that I could get more friends. I dressed how I thought I should and i should have tried to be more girly. My mother was never really girlie so she didn’t realize at times when I needed to be girly. Being a little is giving a voice to myself when nothing else can. Its like doing the petplay but as like a bunny. I can still feel the bondage keeping me in who I am supposed to be but also I am able to be who I want to be. I hope that wasn’t too confusing. I will be doing more blogs about my journey into bunny play.
Love you all hope you enjoy what I write and please subscribe so you always know when I’m writing again.